Gratitude List

...taken from my personal writings this evening...

I'm grateful to be doing these lists – they put me in a state of mind that I'd like to cultivate more often and intensely. Today, according to the Essenes, is the day of the Angel of Joy. I read the prayer this morning that asks the Joy Angel to descend into my body and the bodies of all people on the Earth, and most of the day has been filled with Terry's and my laughter and lovingly joyful conversation, which I'm also grateful for.

I'm grateful for our growth. We've come so far over these months that it isn't a stretch at all to say that we are actually different people. Our bodies are different – even our bodily proportions are changing. I'll have to get an entirely new wardrobe in Portland – none of my clothes fit anymore! So I'm grateful for the opportunity to be able to recreate my new self through my apparel and appearance.

As I type I smell cookies. Yesterday, a package arrived for me. It contained two small bottles of essential oil – one vanilla flavored, from organic vanilla beans that are pressed in such a way that rather than reminding you of a candle, this smells just like cooking vanilla, only more delicious. The other bottle was lavender flavored, so I've mixed them together on my wrists yesterday and today. I've finally found a smell that isn't harmful to my body (most of the perfumes on the market have dicey ingredients), and that not only describes me, but that smells really good – Terry loves the new scent, which I'm very happy about. So I'm grateful for that, the whole bundle of it. I like having a smell. I remember my mother's perfume from when I was a little girl – it felt so warm and lovely and soft, not to mention “dressy” - spraying it on was the last thing she would do when she got ready, so I thought of the smell as her all dolled up. I haven't smelled it, Avon's Far Away, in probably 15 years, yet I remember it in such detail, I bet I'd recognize it anywhere. I even remember the pink bottle with the black tassel. I'm grateful for those memories.

Today we had a wedding meeting, which included discussion on the very unconventional wedding we're planning together. We talked about entrances (I won't be walking down the aisle, rather Terry and I will be separately walking around the attendants and our paths will, combined, create a circle of sacredness and intention for this ritual, which will include the most important promises we may make in our entire life), and about other parts of the wedding – songs, prayers, the incorporation of aspects of our heritage, which combined include Native American, Celtic, Irish, African, Lebanese, and Italian. I'm grateful for the excitement and sparkle that comes with planning a completely personalized wedding. It will be a wonder, and an evening that we'll never forget.

I'm grateful to be marrying such a wonderful man, who I haven't been able to take my eyes off of all day as he changes before my very eyes through our practices and diet into the best of what he can be. I also have a deep and sweet knowledge that this will only continue. I can sit now and think about amazing growth that has happened in weeks and months to him (and I), and I know that I'll be able to do the same thing weeks, months, and years from now. I am certainly grateful for this. It's such a magical experience, to see my own and my lover's unfolding into our Real Selves.

I'm grateful that we've had the freedom and the opportunity, not to mention the supplies, to undergo this transformation. I know that, had we picked a different path for this year and not come to Texas, these growth spurts would not have happened yet. 

I'm grateful for the time to come. I'm grateful that we've picked Portland, an amazing city, and I'm grateful for the joyful plans that we're making there. I'm grateful for the people now living there who will become our friends and emotional “family.” I'm grateful for the experiences we'll have on the way, and once we arrive.

Today we drove down to the city and Terry bought me an early birthday present – a beautiful flowing dress with a tropical feel to wear on our honeymoon and jewelry to go with. I'm grateful that I now have things to wear to make me feel beautiful (I do like to parade around in front of him, knowing what he sees in me). I'm grateful that my to-be husband is sincere and loving and that he always knows what to say to make me feel loved.

I'm a smidgeroo grateful that I'm about done with this list (in one minute I'll have reached the mandated 15), cause I'm a little tired. I'm grateful for my sweet dreams to come. I'm grateful for the wind chimes that I can hear outside the window. I'm grateful for those plush white linens on the bed across the room that I'm about to sink into. I'm grateful that we'll be awakening early tomorrow, to start a new daily practice of greeting the dawn. I'm grateful for the dawning of new mornings and soft, restful nights.

Now I'm off to bed, gratefully.

Fighting off the Funk with Gratitude

I woke up in a funk today. Well, I also woke up in a funk yesterday, and the day before. No one can be happy all the time, right? And my disproportionate anger at the auto-correct function on my word processing program this morning (no, I want it lowercase you idiot, it's an abbreviation! Not a new sentence! aaarrrgghh @#!&*%$@! ~all in my head, of course~) leads me to believe that the problem may lie in the hormonal realm. Happens to the best of us, what can I say.

Even my whiteboard quote of the day:
Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson
just makes me snarl. That's right, I said snarl. As in when the right side of your nose does that little wrinkle and your lip curls up a bit in the corner? It's a snarl. And I did it. (enthusiasm. I got your enthusiasm right here, I'm thinking...)

Shame on me!

So, what to do? It's not fun being in a mood like this, unless of coure you're in college and driving around Gainesville w/ your new bff and you're griping Foamy style (warning: bad language abounds if you follow that link) at anything and everything, that's fun (shoutout to you, Jen!). But, alas, I'm a grown-up now and being in a ranty mood doesn't help anyone. Plus, I'd rather not do it. I like having normal blood pressure, thanks very much. Besides, over the years I'd much rather form smile lines than yucky frowny lines...

But I digress. So, this morning as I was in the bathroom down the hall after breakfast, flossing, mouthwashing, and brushing for the 2nd time today (I'm not OCD - ok well maybe I am, but not about this particular thing. Constant spotless teeth is how you've gotta roll when you have Invisalign - you can see my loosely related vlog here) because you have to do that if you put ANYTHING other than water in your mouth (no snacking, not even any liquids like juice or tea or god-forbid, soda. Water. That's it.). Oops, there I go again. Anyway, as I was flossing or brushing or something, it occured to me through my grumpy fog that my life is much more enjoyable when I'm in a better mood. And there's no reason why this funk of a mood should have me helpless in its clutches! But it kinda did. So, I pulled out an old faithful that's appropriate for this time of year - giving thanks.

I've said for a long time that a way to pull yourself up at times like this is to do a simple, conscious switch of attention - it's easy, all you have to do is start giving thanks. For anything. But make sure it's stuff that you ARE actually thankful for. For instance, here's how mine started:

I give thanks that I'm finally getting my teeth straightened after I've been self-conscious about them for so many years....although I didn't even mean to, my dentists told me I needed to straighten them because of other stuff...And hey, it did force a diet, but I don't really care about losing weight. There's a marketing ploy - come get Invisalign! Lose 5 pounds for 5 grand! Although, for $5k couldn't I just get lipo? I mean, I doubt lipo would even be $5k....
Focus.
Ok...I give thanks that I have a job.
I give thanks that I can afford to have and keep in stock all the dumb things I need for my teeth.
I give thanks that I can afford more than a few pairs of shoes to wear to work (as I clipclopped down the hallway back to my office)
I give thanks that my body all works as it should and I am not confined to the use of a wheelchair or crutches.
I give thanks that I work in a place that is well lit and safe and clean.
I give thanks that my job isn't one that puts me into any physical danger.

...and on and on. And sure enough, before long, I started to feel better. And now, retelling it, I feel even better. The goal is to continue this all day. It can be easier or harder, depending on the day, I suppose.

But it's true. Most of us do have plenty to be thankful for. And later today, when I saw a link to this random blog by Jason Mraz, I took it as the sign that it was - to tell me that I am on the right track. An article that says the exact thing I was doing is healthy, is coincidence? I think not... So, not even using the cheesy Turkey Day stuff (that's for Thursday, don't spoil your dinner now) what do you have to be thankful for?