On Understanding and Compassion

I'm having issues today.

To spare you the poor-me details, let's suffice it to say that there are health things going on that aren't the most pleasant to deal with -
- okay I know that if I don't give you the details all types of wrong assumptions could be made, so I just will.

I know I've talked about this before, but my teeth break. No one can explain it, apparently I just genetically have very brittle enamel, and I've had chunks of molar fall off when I was eating cookies and cream ice cream (no, no chocolate chips in that, just softened cookies and delicious ice cream, yet one of the strongest teeth in my mouth decided to crumble).

So, I got braces (invisalign, to be exact), because I was told that, with them, the pressure would be relieved and my teeth wouldn't break anymore.

Can you feel a yeah, right coming on?

Hmmm yeah well last week I wasn't even chewing anything and another tooth cracked. Apparently Invisalign isn't all it's cracked up to be on the non-tooth-breakage.

So, now, there isn't an actual break, just a visible (but smooth) crack, which may never turn into a break, but which also may.

Great.
Unpredictable.
Unpreventable.

So there's nothing I can do except for live in fear of becoming a snaggletooth in a moment. Awesome. Yes, it's mostly my ego, but still! I floss 3 times a day, I at least deserve to have whole teeth, no?

But, believing as I do that our mental state greatly influences our physical one, I can trace this emotion back to being a little girl, terrified of Armageddon and fire raining down from the sky and dying a horrible and excruciatingly painful death (yeah, at 5 years old I though this. Every kid commits little sins, but I took mine WAY too seriously - be careful what you tell the toddlers out there, y'all). So, growing up, this continued under the guise of other dangers after I shed the belief in fiery destruction from above, and picked up the strain of poverty. Then health issues. So now, there you go. Afraid of a tooth Armageddon.

I make light of it, but to be honest, I'm terrified!

But, I'm also kicking myself for holding beliefs that I can see caused my condition.

Now, back to the tea bag fortune (the pic above).

I had that cup of tea last night, when I was down and worried and really hard on myself for getting me here. When I'm consulting with others about this stuff, I remind them to be gentle and compassionate with themselves. Because we're all always doing the best we can with what we've got, right? So blaming and criticising don't have a place in self-talk. If you made a bad decision, okay, recognize it, then use your energy to work to change and improve yourself so you don't make it again, rather than using that energy to kick yourself and be harsh. That doesn't help anything.

So, today, I'll be starting the lovely all is right with the world and my future is happy affirmations.

(may sound goofy but I swear that stuff works. The stories I could tell you! But that's for another blog post)

Happy Monday y'all! Be nice to yourselves! If we're nicer to ourselves, we're nicer to each other, and before we know it, we've got a better world.

Today's quote:
"This is a giant block of whatever is most difficult for you to carry & trust me on this, you'll carry it more times than you can count until you decide that's exactly what you want to do most & then it won't weigh a thing anymore"
~Brian Andreas

Those Darned Dissociative Capsules

So this is what happens.

You know when you're in a relationship, and there are parts of it that are really bad, and you get hurt? Yes, that happens to just about everyone. Maybe that was your 4th grade crush, or your college sig. other, or even one of your parents.

What those hurts and maltreatments (which are actually little brain traumas, as your brain is constantly forming and changing) do is form what's called "dissociative capsules" (search "Robert Scaer" if you want to learn more on that exactly.

So, you're technically brain damaged. Although you (and everyone else) really don't know it. Again, true for basically all of us...

And your brain always wants to heal, so sooner or later that old wound is going to move to the forefront again to try to get that healing. But what happens when you get a scrape or cut on your finger? Sure, you can leave it open, but it doesn't heal nearly as quickly or well (may get infected, takes longer to scab up, scars worse). It's best if you have on a band-aid, something to protect it as your DNA does its job and fixes the injured part. That part of you needs to be safe, in order to heal.

But back to relationships. It's not the most convenient thing, but the way this works is that, the safer you are, the more your brain will bring hurts up in order to be healed.

Which means, in practical terms, the better your relationship is, the more you'll be randomly neurotic and feel hurt over things that don't really make sense - you'll take things out of context and be just odd from time to time, as these capsules ask to be healed.

In even plainer words, you'll be, seemingly unpredictably, at your worst (from time to time) in your best relationships.

Then, if things go how your injured parts are hoping they'll go and you stay safe as the healing is happening (i.e., your partner remains wonderful and doesn't lose it too, providing a safe space for you), eventually you won't have that issue any more. Those dissociative capsules will have been dissolved and reintegrated into your overall neural pathways, or in other words, you'll have healed.

And believe you me, don't I know it. This is by far the best relationship I've ever been in, and once in a while I have issues that I never even knew I had, and that have certainly never shown up before! But, if I try to figure out exactly what's going on and where it came from (i.e. who scarred my noggin), it ends up making perfect sense, always.

Seriously, at the beginning of our time together, T would say something random and I would even freeze up - literally, no words, no movement, no response, and he'd have to sit with me and speak softly to me until I came out of it. Can you tell that he triggered some nasty stuff? And in the past, when other people had triggered (or caused) it, they'd just think I was giving them the silent treatment and leave me there, in my mental dark cage, until I scrabbled and clawed out myself, a little more injured, and certainly not healed by the power that trusting relationships innately have. By the way, this freezing up business doesn't happen any more...(yay for neural reintegration!)

So, you ladies and guys, if you're generally happy with your sig. other and once in a while just completely freak out, realize (and tell them) that it's a good thing! It means your brain recognizes that they are safe enough to try to use as a band-aid. Only a lot less disgusting.