Dear Mr. Neighbor Guy,
Thank you for attending our barbeque this past Saturday.
I understand that the sounds of our revelry brought you outside to join in on the fun.
At least, that is judging by what you said about not hearing the music at all, but hearing our laughter and that being the cause for your appearance.
Perhaps we would have invited you to cross the fence and partake of our delicious vegan cuisine and maybe a can or two of the event's sponsor,if you had not called the chef's laughter "very annoying", of course not recognizing that his was the laughter you were referring to as you complained about it to the very person who'd been the offender.
I also do not believe that your estimation was quite correct when you said that you'd only have to sign a paper and we'd all be carted off to jail. I think that possibly, when the officer you would have (hypothetically, of course) called approached the scene of the "disturbance" and saw 8 young adults calmly sitting in patio chairs and having a jovial conversation of a perfectly normal decibel level, that hypothetical police officer would have laughed at the call and perhaps partaken of some of the delicious vegan cuisine himself.
That didn't happen. But, if the officer had been called, there's not much of a doubt in my mind that it would have.
I would also like to say that, under the circumstances, I do think that your inquiry about what to do in the situation should have been answered with a "yes" when you whinily asked if you should have to close your windows rather than us having to move our barbeque inside. (of course you should. It was a Saturday afternoon. Just close those windows on that side of the room. It is certainly what I would have done.)
Thank you, Mr. Neighbor Guy, for ever increasing my capacity for compassion, as I try to understand that you are not actually a dragon, you are just sad that on a Saturday afternoon, you are watching television in a house you share with only your elderly mother (who does linger around her front door every morning to make sure I don't slam mine too emphatically on my way to work), rather than enjoying the beautiful weather with your friends in the way that we are. You also may be sad that you are fully gray-haired and single, considering that your bedroom almost certainly shares a wall with T's and mine, and you can no doubt hear our happy relationship as we have conversations filled with laughter and affection near to our opened window. Thank you as well for trying to begin a stare-down with me on Saturday afternoon as you insulted us, which you lost. It's nice to know that I still have it, although I do not traffic anymore in things like intimidation and dog-eat-dog behavior (that ended when I graduated from high school, thanks very much).
Please note, that in future conversations where calls to the police are mentioned, I will not hesitate to explain how, if said officers appear, I will politely offer up details of how you harass me when I am home alone, and how you have repeatedly been confrontational and threatening in your interactions with us, all of which you have instigated and continue to do so, as we remain polite and kind to you.
I will leave out the part in which I know that if you ever really threatened me physically, I would pick up the heaviest nearby object and beat you to a bloody pulp. After all, you are bigger than me.
Today's whiteboard quote:
"The spiritual aspirant must swim upstream, against the current of habit, familiarity and ease." ~Eknath Easwaran