Thursday, April 30, 2009

Twenty six


Today's my birthday.

I am twenty six today.

I've woken up on an airplane, switched the time on my watch (actually, T did that...), eaten a philly cheese steak at 8:00am and dripped cheese all over my white sweater (SO mad),

and had my first birthday cake.

AND my first "happy birthday" song.

It's been a goodie. I'll post more later :)

Loving the east coast!

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Reading textbooks puts me to sleep

...and I want to get everything read before I fly out tonight!... Argh.

and I want to only have one carry-on with all of my luggage....for 5 days. And 2 nights going out. And 1-2 nice dinners. Double argh!

Meeting Life

Today's whiteboard quote:
"Yes, life is a mystery, and there is nothing to explain, because everything is just open, it is just in front of you. Encounter it! Meet it! Be courageous!"
~Osho

How will you meet life today?

I will by doing my best to happily get everything squared away for my absence beginning with the red eye to PA tonight! I'm very excited. It'll be a busy weekend, but it's time for another trip.

Standby for updates from the road :)

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Food Poisoning and a Ted Talk

Yesterday I had food poisoning and left work early (darned 2-month old cookies in my desk. Seriously, what was I thinking? I wasn't even hungry!).

I felt it coming on with a headache. Headaches are strange - what is it, exactly, that hurts? Your skin? Your skull? Your brain?? There's just something wrong with that.

And I am not at all prone to headaches (except for the hunger/dehydration headaches that we all get when visiting the amusement parks or Christmas shopping - that are easily remedied) so I knew to take notice.

I ate some delicious soup that T made for me,

slept for 11 hours,

and now feel fine.

Geez! So, take this note - don't eat old cookies.

Anyway, here's a gift for all of you creative types out there. I loved this video, and she makes some excellent points. I'm even going to distill a quote from the "daemon" part and hang it on my wall.


Happy Tuesday!

Monday, April 27, 2009

This Week

Today shines brighter than normal because....

It's a three-day work week for me!
...because...
I'm going to PA on Wednesday night!

This trip was originally for Tara's wedding. But, now since the wedding's [thankfully] off, it's just for a visit.

I love visiting T's family. I remember the first time I went there and I instantly felt relaxed and at home because of how welcoming and sweet everyone was. And you can believe that I have had all sorts of receptions from significant others' families over the years...it's ranged from "she's a sweet girl, but is this what you really want to be doing?" to "Son, your father's been just staring at his computer screen at work all day and then coming home, lying on the floor and crying every night. We can't stand it. You'll be completely cut off in any way if you continue in this relationship."

Wondering why about now? It's a race thing. That's an issue for another post. But suffice it to say that I was uber nervous upon meeting the fam. But they were lovely. And now I can't wait to see everyone.

So that's the awesomeness that is this week. And, not saying it's a good thing, but it's been pretty chilly in SoCal for the past few days (after our hellishly hot spell a bit ago) so the weather won't even be all that different!

Now, the challenge is to not overpack for a 5-day trip....Ergh I hate having to make decisions on what to bring...

Friday, April 24, 2009

A Dreamy Death

So, first things first, my oh-so-popular giveaway (as in, 3 entries and one of them was totally my mom....perhaps I ought to work on my advertising?) has a winner!

Shabby Princess, you are it!

Email me with what colors you want in it and what size you want them to be, we'll chat :) (charismb@yahoo.com)

And now, on to the post for today:

Last night I dreamt that T and I died.

But that was only the beginning of the dream.

We were in a small group and one of the people there had died. He, however, was just standing there, participating in conversation as if nothing was wrong (this was his spirit, mind you, not his body, but it was just as clear as if it had been physical). I remember wondering what the best way to breach that subject and let him know that he'd kicked the bucket would be…

Then, not long afterwards, we all died (like, everyone in that group-about 5 or 6 people). I don’t think we were already dead when we realized that the first guy was, but in the same conversation, or one a lot like it, we realized that we were dead too. However there we were, talking.

None of the people around (we were at some sort of festival) could really see us. A little girl could, and made eye contact with me. She had blond curls and was about three years old. I smiled at her and waved as I always do to small children, and I immediately realized (and hope that the bad one wasn’t the case) that I didn’t know whether I’d appeared to her the way I looked in life, or the way I’d died. If it was the latter, my body would be all mangled and bloody, perhaps an eyeball hanging out or something like that. I certainly didn’t want her to see!

But, she shyly smiled and headed back over to her mom, so I assumed that I looked alright.

I don’t know how it was that I died. But obviously, it was in a pretty violent way. I’m thinking a car accident or plane crash or something…

Anyway, after this, T and I went off on our own. I don’t know what happened to the rest of the group.

M came around while we were still making our way through the festival grounds. She could see me. That’s when it hit me. I had died! I felt terrible. I cried and felt the hot tears streak my cheeks as I apologized for not being able to share the bond that sisters have for the rest of this lifetime. No more phone calls or visits, no comparing notes about our kids in years to come. She seemed alright, considering. I mostly remember how upset and guilty I felt.

I also realized at this point how much was lost - how I’d never have a career or build a family. How T’s and my big dreams would never realize, and I was so disappointed. Then I realized that it didn’t much matter anyway, and it was just something that could’ve happened. Something else was going to happen instead. A solid sense of calm and acceptance enveloped me, and also an excitement about the future, and seeing what was going to happen next.

T and I would, from time to time, retire to a room in some sort of other place (this dream went on for days). I think it was sort of gray and insubstantial, and I suppose we would go there to rest, sleep, hang out, I’m not sure. I just know that it wasn’t of the physical world, but I don’t know where it actually was located either. Some sort of in-between place.

We visited the physical world all the time. We were happy to be together, especially because we had no idea what we were doing. There were no goals, nothing to be reaching or striving for like there is in any ordinary life, and that held a potential for things to get very boring, pretty quickly.

So we entertained ourselves by visiting. We discovered that, if we went to see people who hadn’t known us, they could sometimes see us (if we chose) and we could interact. So, we started to do that. We weren’t perfect at choosing when and when not to be seen, but we were learning. We were learning so many things.

Once, we visited a woman in the town I grew up in (I think she was the mother of one of my classmates). She kept animals in the back yard, inside a transparent tent. We went to see the animals, who could see us and interacted with us. She heard the noise and came outside to see what was going on. I edged out of the flap of the tent and stood right next to her as she looked in, and on her walk down from the house, right through me. It was exhilarating and odd to know that she couldn't see me. At all.

T went to work for a day at a run down shanty restaurant for the day as a handyman type, and he ate lunch there as I sat across from him. The restaurant owner (who hadn't ever met us in life) gave him a jar of water to drink as he worked on the eaves above the porch, and as I took a sip (it was cool and delicious) I realized that the water wasn’t in mason jar like I’d thought, but in a jar that had been a candle jar. It was smoothly fluted at the top. I remember thinking that it was odd, but pretty. And very heavy.

After that was finished, we went along our way. We were talking about how perhaps this is how it happens sometimes - here we were, with interesting influence over this world of things (we were learning that we could do some crazy stuff), and we could choose to do nice things or not so nice things. The more we chose to do nice things, the more unexplainable things we became capable of, and we assumed that the opposite would be true as well. Was this how things/people/spirits become angels and demons? It seemed to make sense.

Then one of us noticed a rainbow - as I looked at it I saw that, instead of just one rainbow, the sky was filled by a vertical line of rainbows, each stacked on the one below it. It was beyond breathtakingly beautiful. And I knew then that, if I’d been in a physical body, I would have never been able to see that beauty - people's eyes aren’t able to see all of the colors of light in the spectrum. All these people were walking around, completely unaware of the gorgeousness right above them.

I took a step to the left and the rainbows shifted and were gone. I figured the light had just bent another way. It had been like looking at the side of a prism.

After the conversation we’d had about good and bad deeds, I started to wonder just what I was capable of. I wondered if I could fly. I laughingly shared my thought with T and jumped. And sure enough, I felt a mental wrenching (the same one I’ve had in other flying dreams - it’s as if a switch in my mind is flipped. It’s difficult to do, and in my waking life, the morning after the dream I can always feel where the switch is, but can never flip it. I wonder what would happen if I could figure out how to flip it…) and up I was! Not very high, maybe only 5 or 6 feet off of the ground, and I was pretty clumsy. It was a lot like swimming underwater. An older man walked towards us, not seeing us at all. He looked care-worn, but kind. I felt such unbounded joy that I floated back from him (he was about to walk right through me!) and put my hands on the side of his face. I blessed him with my intention and sent the thought of love and grace through my hands into him, and saw a smile of peace cross his face. I felt wonderful! My blessing had actually worked!

I had the thought a moment later, after he was gone, that the angel/devil thing is probably true when we’re still alive too. Why is it any different whether you’re physical or not? Your choices can be the causes of great good and great evil. Might as well choose wisely.

Then my alarm went off.

So, what do you make of that?

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Those Darned Dissociative Capsules

So this is what happens.

You know when you're in a relationship, and there are parts of it that are really bad, and you get hurt? Yes, that happens to just about everyone. Maybe that was your 4th grade crush, or your college sig. other, or even one of your parents.

What those hurts and maltreatments (which are actually little brain traumas, as your brain is constantly forming and changing) do is form what's called "dissociative capsules" (search "Robert Scaer" if you want to learn more on that exactly.

So, you're technically brain damaged. Although you (and everyone else) really don't know it. Again, true for basically all of us...

And your brain always wants to heal, so sooner or later that old wound is going to move to the forefront again to try to get that healing. But what happens when you get a scrape or cut on your finger? Sure, you can leave it open, but it doesn't heal nearly as quickly or well (may get infected, takes longer to scab up, scars worse). It's best if you have on a band-aid, something to protect it as your DNA does its job and fixes the injured part. That part of you needs to be safe, in order to heal.

But back to relationships. It's not the most convenient thing, but the way this works is that, the safer you are, the more your brain will bring hurts up in order to be healed.

Which means, in practical terms, the better your relationship is, the more you'll be randomly neurotic and feel hurt over things that don't really make sense - you'll take things out of context and be just odd from time to time, as these capsules ask to be healed.

In even plainer words, you'll be, seemingly unpredictably, at your worst (from time to time) in your best relationships.

Then, if things go how your injured parts are hoping they'll go and you stay safe as the healing is happening (i.e., your partner remains wonderful and doesn't lose it too, providing a safe space for you), eventually you won't have that issue any more. Those dissociative capsules will have been dissolved and reintegrated into your overall neural pathways, or in other words, you'll have healed.

And believe you me, don't I know it. This is by far the best relationship I've ever been in, and once in a while I have issues that I never even knew I had, and that have certainly never shown up before! But, if I try to figure out exactly what's going on and where it came from (i.e. who scarred my noggin), it ends up making perfect sense, always.

Seriously, at the beginning of our time together, T would say something random and I would even freeze up - literally, no words, no movement, no response, and he'd have to sit with me and speak softly to me until I came out of it. Can you tell that he triggered some nasty stuff? And in the past, when other people had triggered (or caused) it, they'd just think I was giving them the silent treatment and leave me there, in my mental dark cage, until I scrabbled and clawed out myself, a little more injured, and certainly not healed by the power that trusting relationships innately have. By the way, this freezing up business doesn't happen any more...(yay for neural reintegration!)

So, you ladies and guys, if you're generally happy with your sig. other and once in a while just completely freak out, realize (and tell them) that it's a good thing! It means your brain recognizes that they are safe enough to try to use as a band-aid. Only a lot less disgusting.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Wishes

Today's whiteboard quote:
"Stop the habit of wishful thinking and start the habit of thoughtful wishes."
~Mary Martin

This is what I'll wish for today:
  • That the day will pass quickly, but not feel rushed or frenzied (Wednesdays are always my crazy days in comparison)
  • For strength and energy for my school work (by the time I attack it, I'm usually half exhausted)
  • For clarity and attention to detail
  • To appreciate the small things, like the sun shining so brightly outside today (although not as hot, thank goodness! It'll only be in the 80's today. Remember those pink flowers I posted about a while ago? Well they're all shriveled and brown now from the past couple of scorcher days. Makes me a little sad. But that's the way of things, what are you gonna do...)
  • To be streamlined and productive in my thoughts
  • To only desire healthy foods (dang catering Wednesdays)...
I also can't help but notice the lack of comments on my giveaway post....does no one want silhouettes? I think they're a lovely thing. Well, if I keep on only having one comment, then I guess my decision will be easy! (maybe I should wish for more entries)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Silhy Giveaway

So in honor of my long-ago 100th post, I'll be giving away customized silhouettes. It'll be anywhere from one to three, and you can pick the size, color, etc. They'll be black on a background of the color of your choice, and the size will be with the background included (up to 8x10). I'll do one, two, or three for you - of your family, parents, kids, or whatever.

Not a bad deal, if I ever charge for these bad boys, they'll run somewhere in the $40-$60 range, per sil (those things take foreeeever to make!)

Anywhoo, here's what you've gotta do:
1) leave a comment
2) become a follower (or already be one)
3) mention the giveaway on your blog

I'll pick a winner Friday!

Yes, this is a small giveaway. But, it's my first! (So I think only a small one is okay).

In other news, here's today's quote:
"I have a 'Play the Melody' philosophy. It means don't over-arrange, don't make life difficult. Just play the melody and do it the simplest way possible."
~J. Gleason.


In other other news, sorry about the odd font. Blogger is being weird and won't let me pick.

In other other other news, it's gone get up to 94 today. Ninety-four degrees. And last week I was wearing a scarf. What the heck.

Monday, April 20, 2009

U really got a hold on me - freaks me out

So I remember watching this video. I must've been about 3 or 4 years old. We didn't watch much TV at all...in fact, I don't remember watching anything outside of the "family TV time" except for Sesame Street (which is where this is from).

Anyway, I sat on the floor, my eyes glued to the screen, watching what's below. I was completely freaked out (on the inside, of course, as always). I didn't move or cry or leave or anything, just kept watching, frozen, thinking,

"Jesus Christ, leave him alone!!!"



Although I've never really said "Jesus Christ" as an exclamation. So it wasn't that, exactly. And even if I did, I wouldn't've said it when I was 3... but I hope you get what I'm saying as far as the meaning goes... At least I know that the second part is word-for-word accurate....

Got any odd childhood memories like that?

Thursday, April 16, 2009

I have a confession

Setting: Our kitchen. 7:35pm.
Players: M is to the right of the stove, preparing garlic toast. B is to the left of the stove, watching tofu as it sautees in a cast iron skillet (for his new recipe post, which will be here once he compiles it, I'm sure). I am perched on the counter by the sink, eating chips and salsa and T is rifling through the fridge, removing ingredients for fried rice.

C (as in, me): [B's last name, which is what we call him], I have a confession to make.

B comes out of his crazy chef can't-hear-anything-besides-the-pan-sizzling-and-pepper-grinding, etc universe and turns toward me.

B: Huh?

C: (wide eyed) I have something to confess to you. It's been weighing on my conscience for a long time now and I just have to tell you today.

B's face goes from curiosity, to sharpened attention, to suspicion, to slightly annoyed acceptance in about .7 seconds...

B: Okay, go ahead. (with a small resigned nod)

I look at T to see what he thinks about me spilling this diabolical secret. He shrugs. He also has no idea what I'm talking about.

C: Well, do you remember that time when we all had only just met and we were at y'all's old apartment having drinks and eating around the coffee table, and there was Nutella?

B: ...yes...

C: Ummm...when we weren't sure whether there was milk in the Nutella or not, and I looked at the package to check and see? Well, uh, I saw that there was milk in it, but I acted like I didn't see it. (a silent pause) You seemed like you liked it so much! And I didn't want to take that away from you and spoil it!

B: Oh yeah! I remember that. I figured it out a little bit later. (as he clearly doesn't understand the magnitude of what I'm saying here)

C: Right, I know you did. But I knew before and didn't say anything. I could've saved you, like, five bites.

.........crickets........

B (turning back towards his cooking surface and shooting a cocked eyebrowed look over one shoulder): Sleep with one eye open.

End scene.


I'm so ashamed....

I did ask B, later last night, what he thought I'd meant earlier when he looked kinda mad (which does not often happen with B, believe you me). He said he thought I'd broken a piece of his equipment or something. "Oh, jeez no," I said, "just ask T. If it had been something like that I wouldn't have lasted ten minutes without telling you"...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Gloomy Wednesday

This is a gloomy day. Not for any particular reason -

...the weather's fine,...
...I'm physically feeling okay,...
...I'm only marginally stressed (the book for this semester has conveniently disappeared, so tonight I'll either find it or order a new one, and have two of the same textbook floating around...I hate wasting $)...

...but still gloomy.

My initial reaction is to be angry at myself for this. Who am I to be having a randomly yucko day? My life absolutely rocks compared to all the horror that happens in the world every day! How am I justified in being sad for no reason?

-then I catch myself. Wait, that doesn't make sense. If we're talking about deserving to feel a certain way, then anyone deserves to feel how they feel at any given time.

My mentor, Mark, often said during my first and second years as a Ph.D. student that "you can search the whole world over and never find anyone more deserving of love than you."

How is this very much different?

For all of the wonderful days I have, do I stop myself and say that "wait, someone out there has an objectively (or subjectively, for that matter) better life than you, so who do you think you are to feel so happy?"

Um, no.

So I guess this should be about the same, really.

Right?

So I'm'a roll with my bad day and let myself have it, and let myself be authentic and not force myself to fake smiles or laughs, and tomorrow I'm sure I won't feel like this anymore. Hell, it probably won't last til bedtime. If I let it happen, that is. If I fight it, that's probably a whole different story.

What do you think? How do you cope with bad days?

Why yes, I will have another glass...

This weekend the boys and I are going wine tasting. It will be delicious. B has volunteered to be the chauffeur (boo on having to work bright and early on Sunday), and M will unfortunately be out of town (Coachella. I decided not to go when I realized that I knew about 2.3 of the songs that only 1 of the bands performing there had released... perhaps I should listen to newer music, eh?)

I am very familiar with this wine tasting phenomenon. Heck, why else would you want to live in CA? Last summer M and I went up to Napa Valley for a day of touring the gorgeous wineries, which was fun, but a smidge too much driving (4 hours on Fri, then 4 hours again on Sun...no thanks). Then, last summer when my fantabulous friend Bebe came to visit (who I am designing wedding invitations for as we speak, er, type...so much fun!) we did some awesome wine tasting in a small but amazing winery right here in Pasadena...


He even let us go into the back room and see the wine-in-progress. Very interesting. I don't remember a bit.


But, a 2 hour drive up to Santa Barbara on Saturday morning, then a return on Sunday morning, sounds just about perfect! Not long enough to irk me (that's my commute every day! T can go to sleep and I can listen to


- which is my current audio book. It's great! I highly recommend it. And not only because the girl reading it has the most authentic Southern accent. I feel like I'm back home again when those stretched out vowels resound through my car. I mean "threeew my cawer"...)

So there are high hopes for this Saturday. The high hopes for Sunday will be beach sun drunkenness. No, not from alcohol. From UV rays. You know what I mean.

And I'm also gonna try to fit in some school work, some reorganizing in our still-unpacked library, and 2 large paintings for my Dad's new living room up in northern CA....hmm I think I may have to restructure priorities. Those boxes just might stay packed for one more week...

So that's what I'm looking forward to today! It's Wed, plenty late enough to eagerly anticipate the weekend, I say.

And a great hump day to you too!

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Could Only Do A Little

"Nobody made a greater mistake than he who did nothing because he could only do a little."
~Edmund Burke

How will you make someone's world better today?

Monday, April 13, 2009

Easter weekend '09 (and on getting old)

So on Saturday we met some of T's buddies from college who were in town visiting. They were stretched out on the frigidly cold beach, and there we were, in our normal shoes (what was I thinking? And how in the world is it physically possible to get THAT much sand in your shoes when your feet are in there too?...). I know that it's warmer over here than in D.C., but I'm sorry, 63 degrees is too cold for me to surrender my pashmina-acting-as-neck-scarf, much less take off my clothes....

Anyway, after the beach meetup, those guys were going to go to a beer pong tournament, and I'm just getting too old for that sort of thing.
#1) I'm terrible at beer pong.
more importantly,
#2) It's just not worth it anymore to me to spend a sunny Saturday delirious, and completely rob myself of a Sunday because it's spent in a room with the curtains drawn, trying to make myself as still as death because any movement hurts, including that of my hair...

So we didn't tag along.

Instead, we went over to Santa Monica and a sweet Irish bar there, with huge horseshoe booths and random guys yelling at the baseball game on tv every 3.2 seconds. Well, make that random guy. And no one else was watching the game. The bar was quite silent, actually. It was a little awkward.

But there were moderate drinks involved,
(this was supposed to be a normal shot with all of us in it. Obviously that didn't happen so the pics on my post will be very B heavy. It was just that angle of the booth, can't help it. But oh, by the way, he's, in his Sexy Vegan guise, started a new blog. It's here. Go check it out.),

...and we didn't end up leaving til after 10.... from our 3:30 arrival. Here is another testament to my (relatively, as in the past yearish) newfound adulthood, that in the entire time there, I had 2 nutty Irishmen (a drink! geeeeez) and a cider (which was delicious). I was completely unfazed. Honestly, I don't know if I've ever left a pub that sober....well perhaps I have, but not if I spent more than 30 minutes in said pub.
That night we went home and had a little band practice, and the next day, T and I, acting as responsible adults again (isn't half bad. I could get used to it) went grocery shopping (okay so I guess actual responsible adults would've gone before the day that they needed the supplies) and made a delicious Easter feast for two.

We're talking Sangria with fresh strawberries and oranges. Did you know that strawberries soak up the carbonation? So after 30 minutes in the carbonated sangria (from ginger ale and stuff), you eat a carbonated strawberry. It sounds weird, yes. Heck, it tastes weird. The jury's still even out on whether I like it or not...but interesting, nonetheless....

And a roast chicken with vegetables (see Carrots in the Kitchen post from long ago, multiply amounts by 2, add bacon and increase oven time)

And to top it off? Made from scratch carrot cake cupcakes, with cream cheese frosting also from scratch. Yes, I do have one in my little pink lunchbox today. I think it's time to start watching Dancing w/ the Stars again...

Happy Monday! And I hope you have lots of delicious and unhealthy leftovers too :)

Friday, April 10, 2009

The Pink Spoon Theory

Usually I listen to an audiobook during my commute. Occasionally, however, I feel like listening to music (the worse traffic is, the better an audiobook - if traffic's okay, I love jamming out as I zoom along).

Today was a good traffic day. So I alternated between a cd (Carrie Underwood, if you're wondering) and the radio. I stopped flipping channels when I heard Ryan Seacrest going on about "playing games" in relationships. When I heard the word "unsexy", I thought that it may be worth listening to.

And it was! I even thought about calling in (and I am certainly not a call-in-er).

Ryan said that it was a very "five or ten years ago" thing to do, playing the "hard to get" game. He said that it's better these days to just grow up and put it out there...

"I like you. I want to go out with you. Let's go on a date."

And the calls that he got were overwhelmingly in favor of that decision. One woman even said (she's now married) that she approached dating like a business interview - she had her 15 questions and her fact sheet, and she'd walked out of movies and restaurants when they said the wrong answer to one of those questions. Wow.

That approach may be a little drastic (boys are people too! No matter what I was saying last year...), but her motivations are understandable. A lot of people haven't gotten the "playing relationship games is so unsexy" memo! And let's be honest, none of us knows what the heck we're doing most of the time in relationships, especially new ones.

As for me, I was a huge advocate of the "pink spoon theory". After having my heart broken, torn, stomped on, and pureed in the food processor (over the course of several years of relationships) with the occasional reprieve (that was always a mutually casual relationship), I decided the hell with it. Feeling lonely now and then when I watched a movie with kettle corn and cookies n cream solo was soooo worth never having to get an entire myspace page created to show me how my boyfriend was sneaking out at night when I was out of town to some girl's house (we're talking slide shows people! With pics taken of her phone, showing his messages...). Yeah. it was bad.

And, after some dating and going out and interacting, and lots of talking to my guy friends I realized that,

Men were inferior.

But still fun
.

And that's when the pink spoon theory was born.

Think Baskin Robbins.

Samples!

Heck, have one in every state (I did. More or less).

And it was great fun. And no one got hurt - the boys I hung out with (never any of that, however. I know what you're wondering. And I do have standards in that department) knew that nothing would ever get serious, so there was no pressure! And I was free to have a marvelous time, enjoying them for exactly what they were, and not being concerned with their drawbacks, because who cares? You only hang out for a day or two (while I'm in town) and you don't expect a thing. No expectations = no disappointments. You know you'll have fun, that's why you're hanging out with this guy in the first place.

So, that was that. And it worked out well. And over time, my scar tissue healed so that, even though I still never wanted to have to depend emotionally on a guy again, I didn't hold the contempt for them that I once did. And I realized that, hmmm, maybe they weren't inferior. Just different. In ways that weren't my favorite, but again? Who cares? They didn't need my approval. And I didn't need theirs. And I could completely dive in, mentally and emotionally, to conversations and interactions, knowing that as soon as I walked outside again, I'd be completely me, with none of myself still stretching back into the room and attaching itself to him (no matter if he was butter pecan or strawberry swirl).

And then, every interaction somehow became precious. Almost sacred, in fact. I realized that two people spending time together and enjoying each other's company is the best that any of us ever gets - and who cares if it's permanent or not? (I definitely preferred a temporary arrangement, but I tried my best not to be judgmental of those ball-and-chain types).

But, back to the playing games. I never played games, I was always honest. Now, whether or not the guys believed me, was not my concern. But I was deep into the pink spoon lifestyle, being completely happy being me, having my fun and going along on my little way, but always being honest (why the heck not?) and being excited about each experience.

And then I met T. Who, it turned out, thought the exact same way I did (not about the samples, but about the no expectations. Luckily for me, we met up when I hadn't been sampling for awhile; I wasn't really interested in it anymore).

And, in the diving in to the conversation, I saw how open and honest his gorgeous brown eyes were. And I noticed. Then, a day or two later, I saw how carefully he tucked the beach towel around my shoulders as we sat on the grassy knoll overlooking the Pacific together, even when it only slipped an inch.

And that, my friends, was the beginning of the end for me.
I didn't want any more pink spoons, very, very soon after that. One day I'll tell the full story, but today's not that day.

In closing, games are bad. Being yourself is good. And living in the moment, even better.

What do you think? I'd love to hear others' opinions!

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Post #101!

So yesterday I was oblivious (as usual) and missed the fact that it was my 100th post! Yay! Who'd've thunk it that I had so many words....

I'll think of something fun to do, maybe a giveaway, or something like that - that other bloggers do and that I maybe should.

But, on a normal note, today's whiteboard quote:
"When I think with my mind, I seek answers to my questions. When I feel from my heart, questions dissolve into answers."
~Unknown


So, the goal for the day is to feel from the heart. And here's another one to try - every thing you touch with your hands, feel it. Really, feel it. It sounds simple - of course you feel everything you touch! But, not really. For instance, right now you're probably feeling your computer mouse. What does it feel like? Is it smooth, cold, warm? What do your buttons feel like? Shoe laces? Bottle of water? The food you eat?

You'll see. If you can remember, it'll open up a new way of thinking, if just for today.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Hi, my name is Charis, and I'm a procrastinator.

Remember that wedding I went to back in January? ...well, my gift to the couple was going to be silhouettes, but I'm a expert procrastinator, so I just mailed those bad boys off today along with the bride (my buddy since middle school)'s birthday card.

Her birthday was on Monday.



I swear, my putting-off of random things is just that - insanely random. I really like making silhouettes, notwithstanding the gluey hands and aching shoulders (from hunching over the scissors and glue) that it entails! Why do I put it off? And why do I sometimes do the things I hate the most (loading the dishwasher) first thing?

I have the answer right here:

Delayed gratification.

I always save my favorite food on the plate for last.

I get all of my unpleasant tasks done in the morning so I can relax in the afternoon.

When I was 3 years old, I saved my baby aspirin for later on my dresser (those things tasted good. Why doesn't grown-up medicine taste like that?) and believe you me, my mom was not happy about it.

So that's my weird habit for the day. The up side? I have nothing to worry about for glorious carefree stretches.

The down side? Sometimes my day is taken up doing the stuff I do first, and so it makes for a completely tired and yucko day.

But what are you gonna do?

What are your weirdo habits?

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Wonder

"The world shall perish not for lack of wonders, but for lack of wonder."
~J.B.S. Haldane

Today I'll find wonder in the perfect weather outside.

I'll also find wonder in how my body doesn't collapse during the final 10 minutes of Bikram yoga (a birthday present for T - 10 consecutive days....yeah make that 8, we went the first day and skipped the second one. Today's day 4! And I've sweat more in the past week than I have in the past 2 years....)

Where will you find wonder?

Monday, April 6, 2009

From the Thoughts of Yesterday


"What we are today comes from the thoughts of yesterday, and our present thoughts build our life of tomorrow: our life is the creation of our mind." ~Buddha

With this in mind, I'm focusing, on this tired and tummy-achy Monday morning, on grace, good posture, and mindfulness. I'm actually hearing the clacking of the keys as I type (how often do you notice that one?) and I'm settling back into my semi-comfy chair. I'll be staying hydrated and trying to relax the inner chambers of my mind so that they can be aired out like a room with all of the windows open.

The weekend wasn't easy, but it definitely had it lovely parts. And now the week begins, and it can be a great one, if I don't focus on how tired I am. But I do know that, when really tired, you can either see it as a reminder to be physically mindful (which is one of the things that can bring about true peace, if you let it) and let the constant input your achy body is giving to your 5 senses massage your jumpy mind into calmness, or you can harness that discomfort and let it turn you sour on the inside.

As I often say, once you realize there's a choice, how can you choose any different? Seriously, who would choose that second one?

So here's to creating the next 5 minutes, Buddha-style, by using this 5 minutes to focus on the beauty that is always just as fully present as the pain. It's all about what you choose to lay your eyes on.

Friday, April 3, 2009

Friday!

I'm very excited about what day of the week it is.

I need sleep!

I need to eat something other than dry cheerios and a banana for breakfast (my work day routine)!

I need to actually do something with my time that I want to do, not just what is absolutely required because of the formula created by tasks needing to be accomplished and time in the day!

And..., T's taking the GRE this morning (good luck!). Aaaand, his birthday is tomorrow (lots of Guinness, I bet!)

As for me, the paper needs a final proofread, and it's going in! Whew! Next time, remind me to start a wee bit earlier so my eyes can still focus at the end of the day (dang computer screens).

what's on your weekend platter?

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Sights Set

One paper down, one (halfway-done one) to go! I'm keeping an iron fist on my schedule (down to the minute. It's nuts) this week so that I can get everything done and still have time to hang out with the folks at home (Tara's doing amazingly well, by the way), so I'll be so happy next week during my little spring break from school.

...the break was supposed to be this week AND next week, but this girl didn't get her stuff done as early as would have been optimal...


This makes me think. And it makes me happy. At least it gives motivation to keep those joyful thoughts comin...

"The world presents itself according to the viewpoint of each person. Whatever kind of person one is, one will see that kind of world; whatever kind of mindset one has, one will derive that kind of conclusion."
~Fo Yin

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Flower Power

There are bushes I walk past every day that line the sidewalks leading into my office. They're quiet and soft, and alwalys a deep lush green.
This week, out of nowhere, they have an instant pink icing of lovely little flowers, constantly buzzing with tiny bees.
I love it.
The creative power of nature amazes me - who knew (I mean, yes, of course we all know, but really it is amazing) that all that time, those little boring bushes had this loveliness inside them, just waiting to come out?
What's inside of you, waiting to emerge in all its glory?

Whiteboard quote of the day:
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness." ~Dalai Lama