Tuesday, January 6, 2009

UFC

I had an epic battle this morning.

With a banana.


I won, I think.


This is not to be confused with the epic battle of '04 after which the Gainesville spider the size of my hand played dead as I looked away, so when my adrenaline decreased adequately for me to clean it up, it was gone. Gone like the dead villain in the horror movie, gone. I was scandalized. So I hunted for it and there it was, squeezed into a shadow in the corner, hiding. Let's just say that, after the secon
d battle, even its closest relatives wouldn't've been able to identify the body.

(cue "taps" here)

Oh, and by the way, it was a wolf spider, I later learned:

No, this morning, it was with a banana.

You know when you just have those days? Well, today was one. And all my bruised little heart wanted at 9:20am was to eat my banana, and maybe a couple wheat thins.

The banana was a little green, but still doable, I thought. So, I went to snap the top off, like you do when you peel a banana.

...and? Nothin.

It's okay, I'll just break it in the middle. That's a trick my friend David showed me after one of his exotic vacations a few years back. You can break a banana in the middle. Just face the curve away from you, grasp it in both hands, and firmly break it outward, against the curve. It snaps in two, right in the middle. It's kind of amazing, the first time you do it. I guess it's normal for wherever he lea
rned this for people to share their bananas, so they'd break em in the middle, then hand a half to someone else, keeping one for themselves.

But back to the story. I assume the position, and snap-

-no, wait. Snap-


-ergh. So, I try again-

-at this point, there are several Charis-finger-sized grooves in the sides of the banana. No breakage is occurring.

Steam is starting to pour out of my ears.

So, I clipclop down to the kitchen, grab a knife, and cut that previously stubborn top off.

The banana was not quite ripe (can you tell?) but I ate it anyway, even the slightly softer-than-yummy middle (where I'd crushed the darned thing). Then, at the end where there's only about 2 inches of banana left, and where I always pull it out of the peel and toss the peel, then finish the banana, the bottom broke off.

I think it was the banana's way of flipping me the bird.

I said to it "I'm sick of you banana" (mentally, of course) and threw the peel, and last inch and a half of banana, into the trash.

So there.

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